All or Nothing–2
The morning air is warm as I collapse into one of the patio chairs, curling my knees to my chest. I bite down on the inside of my cheek, willing myself not to cry. The last thing I want is for any of them to come out here and see me like this.
To see how much it’s tearing me apart.
The door creaks, and it’s Aiden that’s making his way toward me.
He doesn’t say anything at first. He just walks over, sits beside me, and without asking, pulls me gently onto his lap. His arms wrap around my waist.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers into my hair, his lips brushing my forehead.
I let myself fall into the warmth of him.
“I didn’t know he broke up with you,” he murmurs.
I shake my head. “It just happened.”
“Why?” He tightens his arms around me.
I close my eyes, swallowing against the knot in my throat. “Zaid thinks I’m using you all to ignore what’s going on in my life.”
Aiden’s breath slows, and I can feel the way his muscles tense under me.
“We were in the middle of something. He asked me to wait before we…before we got intimate again. He said we needed to talk first. That I needed to deal with things a bit and
not bury myself in distractions.”
Aiden doesn’t say anything, but I feel the subtle shift in his breathing. He’s listening hard
now, the way he always does when something matters.
“I didn’t want to talk,” I whisper. “I didn’t want to think. I pushed. He pulled back. He said no, and I got upset. I left. And I went to you.”
The silence that follows is so thick it feels like it’s pushing down on my chest.
“I knew what I was doing. I knew it would hurt him. But in that moment, I just didn’t
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want to feel.”
Aiden exhales slowly, like he’s trying to breathe around something sharp. He shifts me just enough that I can see his face. His eyes are soft, but there’s something wounded in them, too.
When he finally speaks, his voice is low. Careful. “And I let you.”
“No,” I whisper. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just being you. You didn’t know.”
“But I didn’t ask why you were upset.” He exhales, the sound rough. “I didn’t stop to think about what you were running from.”
My throat tightens.
“He’s right, isn’t he?” Aiden murmurs. “Zaid. You use it to hide. You use sex to make yourself feel better?”
I swallow the lump and my throat and nod. “I think so, but it’s not just that. I love you, I do.”
Aiden pulls me in closer. “I know you do, but he’s right.”
I grimace. “By breaking up with me?”
He smiles. “He’s in love with you, Alina. He wants you to feel whole. I’m sure being apart from you is tearing him up inside, but there are things more important in life and relationships than sex.”
I scoff. “You’re saying that?”
He smiles sheepishly. “Our relationship is different. With Zaid? If you are choosing him, it’s all or nothing.”
The tears come before I can stop them, fat and hot down my cheeks. “I hate that he’s
right. I hate that I keep hurting people just because I don’t want to sit with my pain. Is it
so bad that I’m avoiding it?”
Aiden’s fingers thread through my hair. “It’s not bad that you want to avoid it, but ignoring it won’t solve anything.”
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All or Nothing–2
I cry harder at that. Because it’s true. Because I know it. Because maybe I’ve known it since the second I left Zaid’s room.
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