Clear and Fragile
I wake up warm, but the comfort in my chest slowly disappears into dread.
The sheets are tangled around my legs, sunlight spilling through the cracks in the curtains, soft and golden. And Jake is beside me, his arm still draped across my waist, our
bodies bare under the covers.
My stomach twists, I struggle to breathe as I close my eyes and cuss to myself under my
breath. Fuck. Fuck.
I used to wake up like this and feel comfort and familiarity. I would sigh and be happy for
the quiet ease of something that made sense.
But now, I just feel guilty, and I don’t know why.
This wasn’t new, this wasn’t wrong. I’ve slept with him before, plenty of times, even when
I knew I was falling for Zaid.
So why does it feel like I did something I shouldn’t have?
I shift carefully, slipping from under the covers without waking him. My pajamas are
spread across the bed. I put them on quickly, trying to ignore the ache in my chest.
I head into the bathroom, and when I look at my reflection; I wince.
I can’t tell if I am as tired and washed out as I look, or if maybe I just don’t like myself
today. Maybe I just don’t like what I see.
I shower in silence, scrubbing my skin until it feels new again. When I step back into the room, Jake is still asleep. I glance at the clock. He’s probably exhausted from the time change. We stayed up so late for him last night.
I give him one last glance before stepping out into the hallway.
The door to Zaid’s room creaks open as I pass. He’s standing there, like he was waiting for me. His smile is soft and sleepy, his hair a little messy, like he just ran his hands through
- it.
“Hey,” he says.
1/5
Clear and Fragile
“Hey.”
He reaches out, catching my fingers, and tugs me into his room. His lips are on mine before I can think, his body pressing mine gently back against the wall. I melt into him, my arms looping around his neck.
This is what I was looking for. This feels like home.
When he pulls away, his smile turns languid. “Happy birthday, love.”
My heart stutters. It fills so fast I swear it might lift me off the floor. But then he looks at me. Really looks at me. And suddenly I feel like glass, clear and fragile and breakable. I stop breathing.
Can he see right through me?
His hands are on the wall on either side of me, his eyes narrowing just slightly. “You slept with him.”
It’s not a question. I nod slowly. “It just happened.”
He leans back, jaw tight, and then gives me a clipped smile.
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head. “No, don’t apologize. It’s fine. We agreed to this, right? Whatever makes you happy.”
I flinch. “Zaid.”
But he’s already pulling the door open. “I want you to have a good day, okay? Have fun.
I’ll be here when you’re ready for dinner with Elena.”
And then he’s gone. Just like that.
I walk out, heart heavy, back down the hall. I wait for Jake to wake up and plaster a fake smile on my face as he wishes me a happy birthday.
We spend the day together. He takes me to brunch, gives me a necklace that I will never use. He seems to notice something’s off, but like me, he avoids the conversation.
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Clear and Fragile
It’s when he silences the fifth call of the day that I start to feel like maybe he is using me as a distraction. Maybe he came here more for himself than for me.
He tells me stories and pretends he’s not thinking about the nosedive his company is in. I smile, nod, laugh in the right places.
But my thoughts are miles away. They’re with Zaid because I want to be with him.
We come back home just as the sun is beginning to set. The sound of a car in the driveway has me walking from the kitchen to the front door.
My mouth drops open when I see Elena pull up to the house in a sleek, champagne colored car. She’s smiling wide, her arms in the air as she sticks her body out of the window.
“Surprise!” she beams when I walk out.
“Oh my god,” I squeal, looking at the driver for a second before running toward Elena. She gets out of the car, wrapping her arms around me. She feels like dad.
“Happy birthday!”
I try not to cry as I press into her chest, wrapping my arms around her. “Thank you.”
She pulls away, looking over my shoulder at the house. I twist to see both Jake and Zaid there. Jake smiles softly at Elena, his eyebrows raised and Zaid stands further back, watching me.
“Who’s this?” Elena asks, standing next to me.
“Um, this is Zaid’s dad,” I whisper, avoiding his gaze.
I can tell that he stiffens, that he gives me an incredulous look, but Elena gives me no indication that she notices. They introduce each other.
“Why don’t you join us?” She asks him.
I almost say no for him. But he’s already smiling politely, nodding. “I’d love to.”
Dinner is at a candlelit rooftop restaurant she clearly handpicked. The view is stunning. The food, exquisite.
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Clear and Fragile
But I can’t taste any of it. Because I’m sitting between Jake and Zaid.
Zaid’s knee is close to mine but never touches. His jaw tight and silent. He’s polite and
speaks with Elena easy enough. It’s when Jake talks that he gets uncomfortably quiet.
Jake’s hand rests on the back of my chair, his thumb occasionally brushing against my
back.
And me? I sit right there, trying to breathe. Trying not to break.
Elena smiles at me halfway to dinner, then looks at Zaid, shooting me a questioning gaze. I shake my head, trying to tell her that we will talk about it later. She seems to
understand that I don’t want to talk about it yet.
Jake falls out of the conversation when Elena and I start talking about art and my therapy.
Zaid keeps up with us.
“Okay, but what is that box you sent her?” Zaid asks, a look of confusion on his face.
I blush, trying not to show that I do not know what to do with a gift she probably spent a
lot of money on.
Elena bursts out laughing. “I have no idea. Your grandmother gave it to me on my eighteenth birthday. I missed yours, but hey, nineteen isn’t too bad.”
I start laughing. “Wait, so you don’t even know what it is?”
She shakes her head. “I think it’s just for decor. Haven’t really found anything about it.”
We laugh, and that eases the tension. I lean into Zaid, subconsciously reaching for his hand. He stiffens for a moment, but keeps his hold on me. He widens his legs, letting his
knee finally touch mine.
For a moment, I forget that Jake is there.
I need to break up with him.
