Chapter 240
I sit on the windowsill of the art room, knees tucked to my chest. I’ve had that confusion build inside my chest for the past weeks and it’s killing me.
I feel like a coward because I haven’t talked to Zaid or Cami about. I blow out a slow breath and pick up my phone, deciding to just get it over with.
Cami picks up after two rings. “Hey, Alina.”
“Hi,” I say, soft. “Do you have time to talk?”
“It is my office hours, so yes, I have time for you,” she replies warmly. “Is everything okay?”
I stare out the window, watching Zaid through the glass as he waters the little herb garden we planted last week. “Tired. Nervous, maybe.”
“Because Aiden’s flying in tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” I exhale. “I thought I was okay with everything. But now that it’s real, now that he’s coming, I feel off.”
There’s a pause. “Tell me more.”
“I’ve been talking to him on the phone,” I start, “and it’s fine. He’s sweet. Kind. Always checks in. I don’t feel tense or weird like I did with Jake. But is that enough? Is that enough to stay with someone?”
Cami hums gently. “That’s a very important question. And I think, instead of rushing to
answer it, we should first explore what’s behind it. What does it mean to you that Aiden has been kind to you?”
I chew on my lip. “It means he loves me. That he’s safe. That he deserves someone who
wants to be with him as much as he wants to be with me.”
“Does that someone have to be you?”
My stomach flips. I close my eyes. “I don’t know.”
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Cami’s voice stays calm. “Alina, sometimes people show us love, and we feel compelled to return it. Especially if we’ve spent years questioning whether we’re worthy of it. You’ve been through a lot–survival, trauma, grief. And in the wake of that, your instinct has been to cling to any love that doesn’t hurt, and in some cases, love that does hurt. The pain feels like a distraction for you. It makes sense. That’s survival, too.”
Tears prick my eyes, sudden and sharp. “I don’t want to be ungrateful. He’s been good to me. He’s never made me feel small. But when I think about the future, I don’t know if I
see him in it.”
“What do you see?”
The image comes too fast. Zaid’s laugh. Us. Kissing, sleeping together, eating. Breakfast in
bed. The way his brow creases when his code is wrong.
I swallow hard. “Zaid. He’s all I see.”
Cami doesn’t speak for a second, then asks gently, “And when you picture Zaid, do you feel pressure to stay? Or peace?”
I don’t hesitate. “Peace.”
“Guilt is not a sustainable foundation for love, Alina,” she says, her tone kind but firm. “You’ve grown up believing that you owe your loyalty to anyone who sees your worth. But love isn’t a debt. It isn’t something you repay. And staying in a relationship out of guilt, even with someone wonderful like Aiden, ultimately robs you both of something real.”
I press my hand to my chest, trying to slow my heart. “But what if it hurts him? What if I become the person who walks away? I mean, Jake might have deserved the pain, but not
Aiden. Not him.”
“You’re not responsible for how he processes heartbreak, for how anyone processes heartbreak,” she says. “You’re responsible for your truth. And for respecting his enough to not lead him on. If that’s what you want.”
A beat passes. Then she asks, “Do you think part of you feels that if you stop being what people need you to be, you’ll lose them?”
I flinch. “Yes. And I want Aiden in my life.”
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She exhales softly. “That fear makes sense. You’ve had love taken from you, by force, by trauma, by abandonment. Your instinct is to hold on tight. But healing doesn’t mean sacrificing your truth to keep others happy. It means trusting that the people who truly see you will love you because you’re honest, not despite it.”
I wipe my eyes. “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“I know. And that tells me that your heart is in the right place. But staying in something you no longer want will hurt you both in the long run.”
“I thought I did want to stay with him, that I did want him. But being alone with Zaid this past month makes me question everything. Life is so much better with just him.”
“You’re allowed to change, Alina. You’re allowed to let go of what no longer fits. That doesn’t make you cruel. That makes you honest.”
There’s a quiet beat. It sounds exactly like what my aunt told me when I opened up to Jake. If they are both telling me the same thing, then all I can say is that it is sound advice that I should follow.
“What do I say to him?” I whisper.
“When the time comes, you will know. You will tell him not out of guilt. Not out of fear. But from love for yourself, and for him.”
My throat tightens. “Thank you.”
“I’m proud of you,” she says. “For doing this work. For not running away from the hard
questions.”
I hang up a little while later, still staring at the sky from my little perch in the window.
Zaid walks into the room a few minutes after, his presence a balm against the ache. He doesn’t ask why I’m pensive, why I look like I might cry. He just sits down beside me in silence, and we both watch the sun slip beneath the horizon.
“We have to get up early tomorrow,” he whispers.
I say nothing.
He shifts to look at me. “You’re still coming with me to the airport, right?”
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I turn to him and nod. “Yeah. I am.”
We head to bed, in our separate rooms and again, I don’t sleep.
