Chapter 251
TW: More details about SA. Please skip this chapter if that topic triggers you.
My love,
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve written you 19 letters already and the 20th one has me feeling vulnerable, but there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.
Something I need to tell you about me, about my past, about my struggles.
I know this is something I should have talked to you a long time ago, but every time I tried, the words got stuck in my throat. I still have trouble talking about it, even now.
I think I’m only able to tell you this now because they are words on paper. I can write them down and let them go. Because I won’t have to watch your face fall apart, or watch the tears as they stream down your face.
I’m thankful you never forced me to talk about it, that you never pushed for more answers.
But you deserve to know. You deserve every piece of me, even the broken ones I’d rather keep hidden. Maybe it will make you understand me more, or let you in on why I have made you feel less than on certain occasions.
When I kept you at arm’s length in the beginning, when you begged me to fuck you and I couldn’t, it wasn’t because I didn’t want you. It wasn’t because I didn’t feel like it needed to happen between us. You have no idea how hard it was for me to not make love to you right from the beginning.
I had to know you were real. I had to know you loved me before I gave you the last parts of myself I hadn’t let anyone touch since her. I don’t even want to write down her name.
Since the hospital.
She was a nurse, someone I trusted. She was the one in charge of my care for multiple shifts. I was stuck in that bed, burned and bandaged, drugged to the point where I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t fight back. I’m kind of surprised I remember any
- it.
But I remember her hands smothering my screams. Her hands, touching me everywhere. I remember feeling trapped in my own fucking body. I remember the shame that came after, and how small felt, how weak.
I said nothing, afraid of what people would say. I kept it to myself, dreading every time I saw her face walk through that door.
Eventually, it was my dad who caught her. Walked in and saw everything.
He lost. Hired the best lawyers. Told me I was going to testify. I didn’t even get a say. I was still drugged out of my mind, still trying to figure out how to live with the aftermath of that accident, and he was already making plans. Already laying down the law.
That was just another crack in our relationship. It was just another time I realized he was so desperate to control everything. He didn’t even stop to think if I was okay. I think, maybe he needed someone to blame. Maybe he needed a villain in his story, and i made mine his.
Maybe it was easier to throw everyt
