Intense–2
And for a second, I don’t breathe. My chest is tight, and I can’t tell if it’s fear or something else twisting inside me.
Because I know Aiden cares about me.
I know Jake does, too.
But Zaid?
Zaid looks at me like he’d already chosen me a long time ago, and now he’s just waiting for me to catch up. And it’s not subtle.
It’s consuming.
I feel something crack open inside of me when I realize it. Something dangerous. Because when I look at him, I feel it too.”
And then my mind panics. Because what about Aiden? What about Jake? I love them, too.
Don’t I? Do they make me feel like this? Do they look at me like this?
I try to sort it out, but my brain shuts down, my heart stuttering as I press the thoughts away. I don’t want to compare. I don’t want to weigh one against the other.
Zaid tilts his head, his fingers gripping my chin so that I look at him. “Alina?”
His touch burns me, and I struggle to speak. “Yes?”
He frowns, shaking his head. “Maybe we can talk about it another day.”
No. No. He can’t leave me alone with my thoughts. “It’s okay.”
He blows out a steady stream of air. “I need to ask you something,” he says quietly. “But I don’t know if it will upset you.‘
“Okay,” I whisper, my throat tight.
He draws in a breath. “Do you feel like… being with us is just a bandaid for the pain you feel after losing your family?” D
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Intense–2
My first instinct rises fast. Deflect, be on the defensive, bark at him. But I catch it. I catch it because he’s not accusing me.
He’s worried. For me. For himself. For all of us.
I force myself to exhale slowly. “What do you mean?”
He studies me for a second longer, like he’s trying to figure out if he should even say it. Then, quietly, “We’re all so into you. Fuck, I mean, I’m so into you. And I know myself. I know I’m not easy, that I can be a bit intense-”
He catches when I lift an eyebrow and he snorts.
“Fine, really intense. We all are. Each of us on our own is a lot. Together? I feel like it can be overwhelming. And I wonder sometimes if dating the three of us at once is… too much. If you like it because it keeps your mind busy. Keeps you from having to deal with the stuff you should be working through.”
I sit with that. It hurts, yeah. But he’s not wrong. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it before.
I don’t say anything at first. Instead, I lay my head back on his chest and listen to his heartbeat.
After a minute, I murmur, “I won’t lie and say you guys don’t help me forget sometimes. You do. You make it easier to breathe. But it’s not, it’s not just that. I like being with you. All of you. I like how I feel when I’m around you. I like who I am when I’m with you.”
His arms tighten around me. “I just… You mean a lot to me. It would suck to come out this realizing that I cared more for you than you did for me, or that you never cared at all.”
I lift my head again, meeting his gaze. “Do I make you feel like I’m using you?”
He shakes his head, no hesitation. “No. You–don’t. But I think about it. We’ve all been through our own shit, and I guess I just want to make sure that what we’re doing is good for you. That if it falls apart, you’ll be okay.”
I nod slowly, trying to hide the way my heart flinches in my chest. If it falls apart? He looks at me, waiting for an answer. “I’m here because I want to be, Zaid. Because I want
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Intense–2
this. With you. With Aiden. With Jake. I don’t want it to fall apart.”
His throat works as he swallows again, but he nods. “Okay.”
I lay back against him, letting the silence settle around us again.
